I showed him my bush... on skype.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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