I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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