The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
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