i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
