I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
