i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
