Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
