The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Randomize
