You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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