today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
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