Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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