I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
