my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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