i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
