his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.