and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
