he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
