Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
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It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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