theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
