..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
