It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
They took my balls.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
