How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
