dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
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