I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
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