remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
This beer is not sobering me up at all
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
