I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
