apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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