My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
