I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
