I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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