someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
