I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize