:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
