dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
