i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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