4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Where did you get a picture of my penis
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
