So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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