i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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