i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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