My first STD was from a foam party
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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