And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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