I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
