Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
