never play flip cup with pint glasses
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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