The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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