You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
