She's JV to your varsity
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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