I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
