Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
