I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
