You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
my mouth tastes like poor choices
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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