I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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