i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
