batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
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