i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
