I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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