dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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