NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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