The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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