wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
