I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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