it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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