I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
